There are certain things in life that need a lot of time until you are finally able to talk about them. With talking about these things I mean opening up about them completely. I needed to grow up first, get to know myself and be the real me before I could share this with anyone but my parents or closest friends. I can’t even tell if I ever really and seriously talked about it. Mostly I hid behind jokes because I didn’t know how to deal with it myself.
It was almost seven years ago when I had to cancel party plans with my friends because I had terrible cramps. I always had cramps when my period started and most women know how that shit feels. So I never thought it was serious. It got worse and worse. I saw multiple doctors and no one was able to help. I know I could have called an ambulance but I didn’t. Being 22 there are so many things you still have to learn and so many things you’re afraid of. I didn’t want to make a fuss and I hated the idea of it. When I finally went to see my gynecologist (I googled my symptoms and it seemed to be the right thing to do…) he sent me straight to the hospital. That’s where they told me it was so serious, I’ll die without surgery. One doctor said if I had come one day later, there would have been nothing they could have done for me.
I will never forget this because being 22 you want a lot of things but you certainly do not want to die. It was a rough year but I never thought I would end 2012 almost dying.
After surgery everything was a blur. Yeah okay, I was on morphine but I mean after that, after realizing, after thinking, after living life like nothing ever happened. I was told I might never be able to have children or at least getting pregnant could become difficult. A lot of women would be broken by a diagnose like this, I wasn’t. This is not the post to discuss this but in short, yes maybe I do want to have kids someday but it is not my life goal. I just did not deal with it. I hid that and kept myself from even thinking about it.
Well, so here I am seven years later with a huge scar on my stomach that will remind me forever. And here’s what I have learned over the years: It is your choice. You can choose what your scars remind you of and it took me quite some time, but this scar reminds of the fact that I live. I know that this is not a choice you just make in five seconds. It is a process. It took me years to understand that I am still me and that no one would ever ask or even care. Years went by until I was finally able to wear a bikini in public without feeling weird. I was afraid. Being asked would mean I would have to tell what happened and I was not ready. I hid my feelings and thoughts behind jokes, behind aggression, behind pretending that having kids was the most horrible thing. Thinking of it now there was one particular moment that made me see things differently even if I had to get really hurt first. The topic of pregnancies and having kids blah blah came on and I exaggerated as I always did until someone told me that maybe I should never have kids thinking like that. And it hit me. I immediately felt that this was THE WORST THING someone ever said to me or ever could say to any woman. I had to hide it, but deep inside I was so hurt and I was actually struggling to fight back tears. Honestly I was angry at first, how could someone (especially someone who knew) say something like that but now I know, that this was the truth I needed to hear.
My story does have some kind of happy ending because I am alive, and because I forgave myself for not reacting immediately and I also forgave myself for hiding all those feelings for years. I was also very very lucky because I recovered perfectly fine and might never face any consequences if it comes to health/pregnancy/whatever.
Well and that person I mentioned also never knew how I felt, we never talked about that day. But here it is… years later.. and you might read this since you know about my blog: I was mad but now I am thankful because I you have always been honest. It just took me some years to realize that you were right and never meant to hurt me.